Parenting strategies are evolving as neuroscience provides a clearer understanding of how a child's brain develops.
Over the past two decades, scientific advancements in neurobiology have revealed more about the growing brain. This research has improved our understanding of the nervous system, led to new trauma treatments, and highlighted how a child's behavior is influenced by both environmental and genetic factors. As this science becomes more accessible, evidence-based strategies are being integrated into parenting and educational programs, providing useful guidance for caregivers to support healthy child development.
It turns out that many traditional parenting and educational approaches, which are based on outdated behavioral models, are not as effective as we once believed, especially for the most vulnerable children.
A behavioral model based on rats
Historically, many parenting principles were inspired by the 20th-century behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner. His experiments with rats showed that behaviors could be changed through rewards and punishments. For instance, a rat that pressed a lever was given a treat, while one that didn't was given a mild shock.
These mid-century, rat-based experiments influenced a parenting approach that became widespread, particularly in American culture. Generations of parents learned to use rewards like sticker charts or toys to reinforce desired behaviors and negative reinforcement like timeouts or loss of privileges to reduce unwanted behaviors.
However, starting in the early 2000s, many prominent authors began to suggest that these strategies were not only ineffective but also potentially harmful.
The neuroscience behind a child’s behavior
Unlike adults who have developed the ability to regulate their nervous systems, children have an immature nervous system and an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. For example, a child might hit a friend with a toy truck because they are unable to manage the overwhelming feelings of being left out of a game. Although they likely know better, their "survival brain" reacts with a "fight" response in the face of this perceived threat, causing their reasoning to temporarily shut down. Since they cannot yet verbalize their needs, caregivers must interpret them by observing their behavior.
A young child can only return to a calm state and process new information after they have been "co-regulated" by a calm adult. Trying to change a child’s behavior during a moment of stress with punishments or timeouts misses an opportunity to teach emotional regulation and can often prolong their distress.
Behavioral models simply don’t work well for children. A growing understanding of the developing brain makes it clear that punishing a child for a tantrum or for grabbing a toy from a classmate makes about as much sense as lecturing someone in cardiac arrest about a poor diet.
Nurturing emotional connections
While researchers may not agree on a single, most effective parenting style, there is a consensus that showing curiosity about a child’s feelings, behaviors, reactions, and choices can help parents navigate stressful times. Understanding why a child didn't finish their math homework or why a toddler threw sand at their cousin can lead to genuine learning.
For instance, when your child fusses for candy at the grocery store checkout, instead of taking away an afternoon outing to the park, try this instead:
-
Stay calm. Take a deep breath to signal to your own nervous system that it's time to be calm. This helps you co-regulate with your child.
-
Be present. Staying close to your child gives them the support they need to work through their difficult emotions. Validating their feelings can help them return to a regulated state.
-
Hold the line. By not giving in to the candy purchase, you help your child practice handling anger and disappointment—a skill known as "distress tolerance"—with your support.
-
Reflect later. After everyone is calm, talk about what happened. You can also consider the circumstances: was your child hungry or tired? Or perhaps upset about something that happened earlier in the day?
Parenting with an understanding of the developing brain is more effective in shaping a child's behavior. It also paves the way for emotional growth, strengthens the parent-child bond, and provides long-lasting benefits.
Picture: Old-school parenting methods (Gemini)
