Ah, the proverbial parent/child contest: “Brian, get out of the pool.” “Mom, wait!” Ten minutes later, “Brian, get out of the pool now!” (Notice the addition of the adverb.) “Mom, wait!” Ten minutes more, “Brian, I said to get out of the pool now!!” (Addition of three words with additional adverb and another exclamation point.)
Brian begins to move oh so slowly toward the side of the pool, forgets his goggles, goes back to get them on the other side, slowly swims back, notices she's not watching, drops the goggles to the bottom of the pool, goes down to get them, comes up right beneath his mother who is looking at him sternly. “NOW!!!” We can all hear her so we are sure he can.
He reluctantly pulls himself up onto the side, gathers his goggles and follows her out of the pool area. Brian won the contest 6-1 and doesn't seem at all worried that he will be punished when they reach the condo for not obeying when he was told the first time and for continuing to manipulate his mom in front of an audience.
Why do parents allow these contests of will to occur over and over? Don’t they realize that it will only accelerate as the child ages and becomes more stubborn, more resourceful? Haven’t they already faced the frantic time when the child refuses or delays obedience and is in immanent danger? If not, it will happen some time or the other and the parent will rightfully blame herself or some other hapless person who happens to be the victim who didn’t cause the incident but was unwillingly a part of it.
Why does the parent think it is necessary to argue with someone who can’t drive yet? Arguing is not even sensible among adults and seldom results in a satisfactory ending. Arguing with a child diminishes an adult — his authority, his ability to parent, his patience. So why engage in it?
In too many instances, parent/child arguing began early in the child’s life. It can be because of several poor-parenting skills: it is too much trouble to force one's authority — much easier to just let the little darling irritate the people eating at the next table; it is impossible that someone as adorable as their child cannot be adored by everyone else, so when she screams at the top of her lungs in the grocery aisle, everyone will just think she is cute; it is not possible that their child could do anything wrong, after all he is their child, so when the principal calls and tells them that he has been sent to jail in handcuffs, there must be a misunderstanding or it is probably someone else’s child who is at fault for whatever.
Lousy parents are blind, deaf and dumb to their own parenting mistakes and to their child's obnoxious behavior. They live in a perpetual state of denial. So who is the victim?
The child, who, as he (or she) grows older, cannot understand when the world stopped revolving around him and why the rest of society can't see how perfectly wonderful he really is. He will parent the same way he was parented if he can find someone who will marry him and he will raise the same kind of argumentative, selfish, self-centered child who will always care more about himself than anyone else. I know of this kind of situation and found out recently that the son seldom sees his aging parents just as he refused to see his parents. “What goes around …”
Good parents don’t argue with their children or let them have their way if they have been told differently. They can see their children’s faults and correct them with fairness and with authority. Good parents “parent” full time, not just when it is convenient. They cannot be outsmarted or outwitted by the children they brought into the world. They don't allow the child to argue with them because, as the parent, they are the ones who make the final decisions and the child is not allowed to usurp their authority. They do not allow bad behavior in public; they do not tolerate lying; they require respect; and they know that part of loving their child is giving discipline when it is needed.
Be one of the good parents — your child deserves it.
Jan Knight, MAE, NCC, NSCS, is a long-time counselor/educator in the Desoto County area.
Source: DeSoto Times Today - http://tinyurl.com/n65g52